WOW!! Amazing story here from one whose name shall not be mentioned.
I have been ‘remembering’ things. I don’t know when it started, but as far as I can remember, I have always had this airy feeling whenever the subject of child sexual abuse or incest comes up. And the past few weeks have been crazy. It feels like everywhere I turn, there is always something in the news about sexual abuse and rape. I get angry, hurt and sometimes, I cry. And I can’t say I really know why.
I am an ordinary person, average life. I don’t think I have any spectacular story about my life or my family. We have problems like every other family. We are not penniless. I am educated, a fine graduate. I have a boyfriend who I love and I suspect that he is planning to propose very soon.
Yet, I cannot shake off this feeling. I try but I cannot block out the thoughts, the images playing in my mind. I don’t know if they are just figments of my imagination or actual events that I somehow repressed forcing their way to the surface.
Reading this Amanda story made such an impression on me. I still don’t know if I even want to find out the authenticity of my thoughts but I want to talk about them.
There is this particular uncle, well, not really uncle. I’m not even certain of the relationship now but I’m almost sure he’s family. I don’t know much about him because I don’t want to. I just always feel myself shrink everytime his name is mentioned.
Ok, so, he is an uncle anyway. And the thoughts in my head and the way I shrink around him or at the mention of his name makes me feel he touched me inappropraitely as a child.
I am in my mid-twenties now and to be honest, my memory of my childhood is terribly blurry at least until I was 11 or so. That was when we moved from the town most of our relatives lived. I don’t know if this is so for everybody. I doubt that it is.
But I have always had a wild imagination and I used to think of many weird things. This is where my confusion lies. I am not sure if these images rousing feelings of hurt, anger and mistrust are real.
Even more, I don’t think I want them to be.
Ok. This is it.
My earliest memory of this flash images is both of us lieing down on a couch with my back to him. I think I was 4 or 5. He must have been an older teenager then or maybe early twenties. Like I said, I don’t care to know now.
I think every other person, adult was outside enjoying the breeze. The other kids were playing or something.
I can almost still feel a hand running up my thigh and playing with my vagina. Everything is disjointed really. I think someone called me. Because I can see myself run out and come back to him again. Was there a blanket? Brown? Thick grey? I’m not sure. I think the chair is torn. Black.
The last time we went to that place after the flashes started, the house had been renovated. I could ask my mum if there was ever such a chair, but like I said, I’m not sure I want to know.
Then there is this one. Still blurry but clear enough to be disturbing. In his room. I am not sure if I was the only kid there. He pulled down his shorts and asked me to touch his penis. I feel like I am there again, I don’t know. I don’t know what else happened. I see myself outside the room later. I can almost see the shelves, made of cane. These things were no longer there when I went round the house again. But I got that feeling. The disgusting,angry,fearful feeling.
I always wonder if anyone knew, if it really happened. My mother or father or anyone. I don’t know.
There are some more. But this is ok.
That last visit was for a party I think, a wedding. I saw him. He was asking if I remember him. I nodded with a weary smile. There were others there. He started talking about how he was the one that watched over me whenever my mom went out back then. How fast we children grow up and forget that they cleaned us up after stooling.
I felt like punching him.
I don’t know why I still doubt that it may be true.
Deep down I fear it isn’t.
What if he really did it to me? Worse. What if he is still doing it to other children?
He is married now. He has two cute girls. What if. . .? Oh dear God, no.
I don’t know if I should say this out. It is not like I can really prove it. Even if it is true, won’t he deny it?
How will my mother feel? Will she be able to forgive herself?
My boyfriend is a great guy and really conservative. He sees me as near perfect. No baggage. I don’t know what will happen if I even tell him I have a feeling that something like this happened to me.
Moreover, I am fine. I could just go on with my life.
But everytime I picture this man’s cute daughters, his beer belly, and think of the possibility, I want to scream it out.
Please, what do you think I should do?
I’m not sure of what to say. I read about this repressed memory thing and I personally believe it could happen. But how accurate can it be? Over to you and the comment box!