Midnight musings – I should have stayed still

I have a series of short musings from sometime last year. I thought they would never go out, at least not beyond one person. But with some edits and embellishment here and there, and it been February and all that valentine feeling (bow ye to the mushiness), I’ll publish. There are also fresh thoughts that beg to be mused on, promising profusely that they will leave no scathing scratches behind (like I believe that). I do trust that they will come with fine words, so I’ll oblige them.

Here’s to some simple light letter writing and reading over the next few days. These are the midnight musings written but never shared with one whom we shall call *drum roll* Z.

Night One.

Dear Z,

Do you know about holding back? About caution and fear? About being unsure?

I’ve liked you for a long time. And I say like because, well, I can’t say that I love you without actually knowing you. I’ve mulled over the possibility in my head over and over and over again. There were weeks it hit like crazy. It felt like my heart would burst if I took no decision about my feelings for you. But I didn’t know past the life you chose to show to the world and the few conversations we had that always ended without ending or the things friends said about you. I didn’t know if you had a girlfriend at any point in that time or most importantly, what you really thought about God. Making a decision based on scanty details would ordinarily be out of the question. But I did anyway. Many times. In those moments I’d tell myself that I was just crazy and you were miles away in mind and body and the things that may be called ‘signals’ from your end were just misread by my naive heart. Moreover, from those lessons we learnt growing up, isn’t it supposed to be friendship first before the emotional bug bites a hole in my reasoning? I gave myself mental knocks several times to shake off this insane obsession. No more thoughts about him. None. Get him out of my mind and hopefully create a space for someone else.

So many times I stomped my foot on the ground and said I’d forget you. And each time, something always brought you back to my mind – moth to flame. That one time, you chatted me up. Out of the blues. It was a fresh rain of tickles. You sent ‘Guess who’ and I knew almost at once. So I thought I’d just steer the conversation to get the answers I wanted. I asked why you wanted to check up on me. I don’t know what I was expecting to hear. But your response was at best friendly even though I wanted to believe it was coy. Before the conversation ended, abruptly as usual, I drew what I thought were my conclusions – there was no possibility of a me and you. And that held up for a while. There was even someone exciting for a few weeks within that period. A friend in fact. That would have been the ideal situation, not so? I was almost certain that I was good. The resolve was intact for a few weeks. Only a few weeks. To borrow Sidney Sheldon’s words, ‘And then the gods shat’ on the timing and it was at the same period for whatever reason, that we got to be around each other again. And then it just came crumbling. Just like that. You really are a great guy. The school of thought that proximity increases attraction scored a huge point. I was back to base again. Does he like me? Do I really like him or just the idea of him that my mind has refused to let go of? Does he have a girlfriend?! Oh the torture. I had to know.

Now I think maybe I should have kept my still. I smiled at you like it could save the earth and your lips curved right up without hesitation but your smile only told me I could stay if I wanted to. It never came with the invitation I so badly wanted. I got close and you stayed warm. The flame did not rise.

Yet my fire stayed burning. Not doused; just kept alive with splinters of niceties and drops of exaggerated interpretations to your actions.

Now, I think I should have grown up sooner. Somewhere in all I’ve written, I think several carts came rolling down before the horse. Now, I do know that you like me but I also know that like is relative.

Enough for one night. I need my sleep. I need good dreams. I hope you are not in them. I hope you have a good night rest.

For when you wake up, good morning Z.

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